• Blog 20: Revise a paragraph based on Klinkinborg’s advice. Post the before and after. Reflect on what you notice about the changes.
• Prepare They Say/I Say “Rocket Round.” Don’t forget to bring in 19 copies of your Revision Worksheet. 

Before:

In Writer Jonah Lehrer’s published article called “The Future of Science… is Art?”  he says that he wants to close the culture gap between art and sciences. Lehrer explains that the cultural divide is not an academic problem but “rather, it is a practical problem, and it holds back science’s theories.” He is correct, though I do not feel as passionate about his ideas. Art is making its way back to the sciences, and it may be more important to first be implicated in general education, and then feed into the bigger picture. Many scientists may not want to suddenly incorporate art into their findings. They may say that it could potentially throw them off and slow them down. The main point is that science needs art, and it will not be integrated unless it is brought about in the right way. Technology is continuously advancing and making a massive amount of money because people need technology. How humans are addicted to technology and social media does not make it easy to incorporate art into it. 

after:

In Writer Jonah Lehrer’s published article called “The Future of Science… is Art?”  Lehrer wants to close the culture gap between art and sciences. Lehrer explains that the cultural divide is not an academic problem but “rather, it is a practical problem, and it holds back science’s theories.” I do not fully agree with his ideas. Art is becoming involved in the sciences, and it may be more important to first be implicated in general education, and then to the rest of the world. Many scientists may not want to add art to their ideas. A new idea could potentially throw them off and slow them down. Science needs art, and it will not be integrated until someone finds the best way. Technology is advancing and making a massive amount of money because people need technology. The way humans are addicted to technology and social media makes it hard to incorporate art.

Reflection:

I think that using Klinkinborg’s advice gave my paragraph a great rhythm to it. I want to do this with more of my paragraphs but I also want to make sure that I am still using good vocabulary. I think that it is also easier to understand what I am saying right off the bat without a jumble of words getting in the way.